Signals to Hear | Depression

Note: This post alludes to suicide. I considered omitting this reality but ultimately decided that the truth of the story is vital to its message. If you or someone you know is considering self-harm, please reach out immediately to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

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Years earlier, she had found herself on the bathroom floor on hands and knees, mouth bitter and watering. She had finally purged out what appeared to be the last of it.

Her grandma had done the same thing once. That’s how the idea had come to her. Grandma didn’t want to live anymore, and neither do I.

But then she remembered the extended hospital stay, the permanent organ damage. If this doesn’t work, I maim myself? So she found a way — more out of pragmatism than a sudden desire to live — to induce vomiting. It seemed to have worked. Although she felt physically tired and emotionally spent, she spared herself worse.

A few days later her mom said that her therapist had called and explained what happened, and did she really need to hide all of what she used to try to end her life? Because that’d be a real hassle.

“No,” she replied. “It’s fine.”

End of conversation. She settled back to her high school routines.

Context Matters

After she recounted her story, I asked about what else was going on in her life at the time. She shared simply: parents’ divorce, moving homes, meeting her biological father and other family for the first time, ending a first intimate relationship, late nights drinking at parties, quitting sports, having a family member move into her home and “hit on” her insisting they weren’t related after all so she should just….

I asked about her health and any medications she was on. She said she was relatively healthy and taking “just normal stuff”: an antidepressant and birth control pills.

“I’m just clinically depressed,” she offered as a casual, succinct explanation for her attempt at ending her life. She said it as though depression were an integral part of her, just what is, like the shape of her nose or color of her eyes.

She said depression runs in her family and that trying to end her life was, “silly because my life is pretty good and there’s nothing for me to really feel bad about, so I know it’s just a chemical imbalance.”

Ah. So, living through a series of difficult life transitions that would emotionally impact anyone, lacking an effective support system or coping skills, taking a medication that alters hormonal balance while navigating puberty, experimenting with depressive substances like alcohol, stopping healthy exercise and foregoing sleep, and being prescribed a psychotropic drug known to increase suicidality. And then you found yourself on the bathroom floor because of a genetic brain chemical imbalance.

The Stories We Accept As Our Own

This is one of those moments when it’s difficult and delicate to point out that perhaps the emperor has no clothes. We can become so mired in the stories we tell each other and ourselves that shifting our perspective, our identity, becomes like accepting an alternate reality.

I’m clinically depressed is a quick and easy explanation. That it’s genetically destined feels logical, clean. But of course, life is messy. Dealing with underlying issues that can manifest as depressive symptoms takes time, stillness, emotional effort, and very often skilled support from others. And it’s fantastically uncomfortable, to say the least. It’s a lot to ask of anyone.

It’s even more difficult for an adolescent trying to find themself amid adults who alternately can’t be hassled or know better and pull out a prescription pad, all while offering little in the way of true counsel.

But only from this place of truth can we begin to truly heal instead of mask our symptoms and ignore our deep knowing that something is indeed, off.

You aren’t wrong. Something is off. Not something in you – but something in your life is frantically signaling that it needs tending, not masking.

Scientific Realities

The reality is that the chemical imbalance theory was a marketing scheme that has been officially debunked. Your brain is not broken.

The reality is that SSRIs (antidepressants) intentionally numb emotions and come with an FDA black box label highlighting the increased risk of suicide, particularly for children and adolescents, among other negative side effects. These may be the right approach in some cases, but certainly not all and rarely a first pass at a solution.

The reality is that any genetic component of depression is unclear at best. You may have learned from your relatives, you may have experienced in-utero and lived stresses as part of your family, but you are likely not emotionally destined to a life of depression.

The reality is that our personalities are a function of the experiences we have, stored in the subconscious mind, and that they change over time.

The reality is that challenging situations exist to help us learn and grow, if we work with them.

None of us is a mental health label. You aren’t broken. You are a whole person navigating a whole life that includes all types of experiences, from those we wish would never happen to those we wish would never end.

An Alternative

After years of seeking ways to feel better or, more often, avoid feeling bad, the woman who had found herself on the bathroom floor years ago walked into a hypnotherapy session. She was open to anything that would help her feel a little better day to day.

Hypnotherapy (or any healing modality) is not the magic; it’s simply a sacred container. The true magic is the shift from seeing yourself as the pathologized issue to recognizing yourself as the wise, whole keeper of the deeper solutions you seek.

You have the power and ability within yourself to live a healthy, full, and embodied life. But you must learn to listen. Allowing this subtle, quiet wisdom to speak from your depths is the magic sauce.

“One who looks outside, dreams. One who looks inside, awakens.” – Carl Jung

If you’re in a stuck place, reach out and reach in. Try what others have found helpful in their lives and see if they resonate with you:

• Learn to listen to your body and what your emotions are trying to tell you – a regular yoga practice has been a path for me to get better at this skill. Get still and learn to tune inwards.
• Seek multiple opinions and do your own research before taking long-term medications. They may be the right option for you or there might be a better place to start your healing.
• Consider noninvasive healing modalities that address each of the physical, mental, emotional, subconscious, and spiritual elements of healing. Talk therapy can be great for the mental side — but don’t stop there.

Most of all, know that you are whole just as you are.

Photo credits on Unsplash, in order: Kelly Sikkema, Lysander Yuen, Malicki M. Beser, Patrick Tomasso, Jeffrey Keenan, Marc-Olivier Jodoin, and Julia Caesar. Thank you.

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